my opportunity

It has been 6 months since I cried from sadness due to fertility problems. January 2013 to be exact. I am so grateful for this, because the lack of tears have not been due to any suppression of thoughts or feelings.  On the contrary, I have been fully aware of our infertility, while fully embracing my adventurous life that having no children allows. I have been in a great spot emotionally. Waiting patiently, which is kind of surprising, because patience is the most unlikely virtue that I might posess.

But last night the frustration and fear of two years of fertility challenges stabbed at my heart until the tears flowed. I was feeling lonely and abandoned. And so I wallored in my self-pitty and the unfairness of my situation.

Only two days ago I was in an OR doing the anesthesia for a very sick ICU patient. As we were finishing up the case, late at night, I heard some voices coming from out in the hallway. It sounded like a disagreement, as the tones were intense and loud. I asked the nurse if he knew who was yelling, and then almost to myself I said, "There's no need for such upset. It could always be worse. You could be in the situation of this patient..." (who suffered a very unnecessary and tragic work accident that has left life clinging to the body) The surgeon looked at me in thougtful contemplation and said, "I know, right?" While standing there I was glad that I had been able to see my glass half full... but then again I was not in the depths of despair. It's so much harder when you're actually feeling the despair to pull up out of it. I thought to myself, "I've got to remember this attitude of gratitude..."

But last night I found myself feeling sorry for myself. How quickly I forget.

After about a solid hour of feeling sorry for myself I began to think about the sadness of this world. Cancer patients who die before they have had a chance to live. Children living in Africa without enough food to fill their bellys. People unjustly imprisoned (Nelson Mandela). Holocaust victims. The loss of a child. The untimely loss of a spouse. As I thought about these other heartaches, I remembered that I am blessed. It can always be worse.

I've always been a lover of deep, meaningful, inspiring quotes. I use to fill my day planner's front and back pages with them. In college, I had multiple index cards filled with quotes taped to the inside of my shower so that I could read them at the start of each day. Often, my favorite quotes come from people who have been "through the fire". I have always seen them as heroic for their unwavering faith or ability to endure extreme hardships. And as I was inspired by their words, I would imagine that I too would face obstacles in such a way. I would imagine as I sat in the comfort of America that I was chiseling with their words my mind and heart to be like theirs. And so here is my opportunity. I don't understand the pain. And maybe I never will, but I choose to hold on to the hope that I am being refined.