"Rock of Ages"

January 27, 2013

04:30 a.m.

(Can’t sleep)

When my Dad was first pastoring 33 years ago, he started this thing called “Dial-A-Prayer”, and continued it for probably 12+ years. It was a phone number that people could call 24 hours a day and hear a little daily devotional/story and then a prayer. It was very popular with shut-ins…and me. I was definitely his biggest supporter, often carrying little cards with the number on it and leaving them on tables at restaurants and on the windows of people’s cars.

One of the stories that I remember most clearly was about a farmer and his son. The farmer had planted a large crop. Just a few days before the harvest there came a terrible storm. As the rain subsided and the sun broke through the clouds, the father and son walked outside (I always imagine them on this deck overlooking a field behind their house) to assess the damage from the storm. Seeing the crops – their livelihood – almost totally destroyed, the little boy looked up at his father expecting to hear words of despair. Instead he heard his father, with tears in his eyes, softly begin to sing, “Rock of Ages, Cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee…” I remember the story going on to conclude that it was the best sermon that the little boy ever heard, and that although his father had lost a crop that day, he had given His son a desire for God – far more important than the crop.

I first heard this story when I was probably six or seven years old, but it has stuck with me through the years… and I have always loved the song “Rock of Ages” just for that reason.

I would like for my response to a crisis to ALWAYS be the response of the father, however, that is MUCH easier desired than accomplished. Seeing the story in full, written from the viewpoint of the adult son, who declared it as the “greatest sermon he ever heard”, we can see the value in the lost crop. The lost crop allowed the son to see his father’s faith in action. But in the moment, not knowing how it would change the son’s life, it would be much harder to see the relevancy of the lost crop. The farmer might have asked, “WHY GOD? What was the point? What did it hurt YOU to let me keep my crop?!” When the point all along wasn’t about the crop or the father… but about the son.

So I have shared about some of the frustrations of my last year - beginning with our rental house being sold in July of last year after being on the market for less than 6 weeks. Prior to it selling, I had been praying that it would NOT sell until October. I had a couple of reasons that October was ideal… and I had decided that my timing was obviously correct. I could foresee that October was an ideal month to move, if we had to move. When it sold in July, I was angry. I even felt like I was in a kind-of “crisis of belief”. It wasn’t JUST the house selling that resulted in this crisis of belief… that was just the beginning. It was the house, the fact that the man paid with cash so we had 3 weeks to vacate and find somewhere else, going through fertility issues during the midst of this move, turning down the jobs in Denver that I wanted, etc. etc.

But I blamed it mostly on the stress of July/August house selling/moving experience… I felt that if we could have stayed until October then we wouldn’t have been so stressed during the beginning stages of trying to have a baby… we wouldn’t have had to move to another rental and then to our current house in a three month period. We could have had less stress. I actually said to my Mom one day, “What would the three month span from August to October have hurt??” Both my parents, who are the most faith-strong people I know, seemed to feel that it wasn’t all happenstance… that although we could not see it, and may never see it, God had still been working in what appeared to be the chaos.

It’s been almost six months. I’ve sort of let that issue go. As stressful as it was, now that we are getting settled and comfortable in our beautiful new home (purchased in November), I’m feeling less angry about the forced move of last summer.  I guess I had (more recently) concluded that “it is what it is” and some things will never make sense.

Last week there was a big shake up at Contech. Biggest round of layoffs since 2008. Van was one of three people in the country who had the position he had (project consultant) that did not get laid off. We were both very thankful for this blessing, and he’s had a great attitude about his “new” role/job (he will no longer be working with ALL of Contech’s engineering products, but specifically with stormwater.) Initially he was a bit disappointed. He’s kind of the stormwater guru in this area, and so it made sense from a business standpoint, (and it saved him a job), but he had been enjoying learning the other products that this change was an initial disappointment. However, with a bad economy and so many layoffs, we have chosen to be thankful for the opportunity to continue to get paid monthly.

For the first 18 hours of finding out about his new job title I was a little aggravated. I assumed (incorrectly) that Van would be extremely unhappy with the new position (I assumed he'd feel "trapped" in storm water.) And I was frustrated because it means a lot more traveling for him. The morning after we had found off, I was still feeling kind of bitter. On my way to work, I talked to my Dad about it and I became angry… even crying some, saying, “BUT WE BOUGHT A HOUSE. I TURNED DOWN A JOB IN DENVER THAT I WANTED SO HE COULD STAY WITH THE JOB HE HAD HERE… SO HE COULD GROW IN KNOWLEDGE AND ENGINEERING…NOW HE'S LOST ALL OF THAT OPPORTUNITY, IS STUCK IN STORMWATER, AND WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!” I was feeling really angry that we had bought the house. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE our house. I think we got a spectacular deal on it and could probably turn around and sell it tomorrow and not lose a penny. I think it is a good investment. But I don’t want to stay here forever. I’ve been a little discontented with my job lately and I miss seasons. I had wanted to take the job in Colorado, but because Van felt his job offered him so much growth within engineering, we had decided to stay… and to buy a house. Now I was feeling like we must have rushed this process… and we had been foolish to do so. How much more freedom would we have had if we didn’t have the house now?!… with neither of us loving our jobs, we would be free to just leave when we wanted.

And then days later – we learned that one of the big factors in them choosing Van for this new position (instead of laying him off like all the others) was because he had bought a house. Mike Hunter (his old boss from Maine, who now works at corporate) told Van that it’s like this:  You have two candidates who are about the same… you have your number one and your number two.  But the number one is a little unstable, uncertain of where he’s going to be in the next two years. So you almost want to choose number two due to stability. Because the last thing you want is to choose number one, and then six months down the road he wants to move or leave… He said Van had been their number one, but the fact that he had bought a house had sort of sealed the deal.

So yesterday while I was on an emotional roller coaster due to uncertainty about our fertility issues, I began to re-examine God's faithfulness to me in the past. I began to think about how I had not understood at all why God would have not answered my simple and easy-for-him-to-manage prayer to stay at our rental house until October… but the fact is, if we had stayed until October, we wouldn’t have been put in a situation, living in a humongous house that we didn’t really like and where we were so sick of living out of boxes that we were just desperate to get out – even if it meant buying a house.  If we had stayed until October in our original rental, even if we had decided to start looking, we probably wouldn’t have bought and been in a house by this point. So getting “kicked out” of the house has turned out in actuality to be a blessing. It’s because we were kicked out that we decided to buy… and because we bought, Van didn’t lose his job.

What a concept.  I think this must happen so much more than we realize.  Often times we never see exactly how He worked out the bigger picture for us, but the longer I travel this road, the more certain I am that I travel it with a much wiser and more knowledgable God. Clearly seeing how He has actively been orchestrating details in my life gives me faith to believe that He will continue to do so. My view is so limited and so narrow, but I believe that God who knows the beginning and the end. He knew six months ago about the layoffs. And so He guided us. Although I thought He wasn't listening to my prayers and or just didn't care, He was perfectly in charge the whole time. 

Over this period of dealing with infertility, I have certainly spent more time assessing my emotions, my feelings, my inner self, my ability to trust… I have seen my extreme flaws, weaknesses, and humanness, but I have also gained faith and trust, as I have had to learn how to totally let go of my desire to control my own life.  It's not been easy. It is literally a daily event where I have to make a conscious effort to let it go... but I believe that I can already see the positive effects of this experience in my life. And I believe that the effects of the experience will ripple through my life for much longer than this trial will last. 

Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. Like my heart is going to speed right up with anxiety until I pass out and die. Like I can't breathe for the fear that smothers me.  Sometimes I am able to totally forget about it all or at least see it sort of objectively. Somedays I just rest in the peace of knowing that God is bigger than my problems and that He is in control. And no matter what, as long as He's got me, I'm going to be okay. But it wouldn’t be a "trial" if every day was smooth. And trials are where we grow the most… so I can (almost) say that I am honored that God thinks I am strong enough to walk this road, to endure this challenge. And I believe, I really do believe that He will see me through it.

God, help me to continue with endurance and faith. I want to trust You all of my life, my Rock of Ages, Cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee.