My ultimate goal

When I was in the 9^th grade, my youth group did a study called, “Experiencing God” by Henery Blackaby. My Dad, the senior pastor of the church, actually lead us through this study, as it was one he had really enjoyed. Through the years, I’ve often heard him mention that he had repeated that same study and how powerful it was. Personally, I had not found it to be all that amazing. I had not been really able to relate to a lot of the concepts, not because they were over my head spiritually or intellectually, but because I had not experienced life. Recently, while looking for a book that would be a good morning devotional book, this study came to my mind, and I decided to try it again. And this time around, I am loving it. It has so many nuggets, just in the first couple of chapters, that I am sure I won’t be able to withhold discussing it, but today it’s just the preface to the rest of my story.

A few days ago, I was talking on the phone with my Dad about where I was at emotionally. I was sharing how that I felt that I had sort of been on an emotional roller coaster, with big highs and big lows. As a result of the lows, I found myself often lashing out at people who I love most and are closest to (in particularly my sweet Mom). Like a wounded dog who bites the master trying to love it, I had allowed my truest hurts to only be visible to the ones that I felt I could be most vulnerable with… and my truest colors have often been a bit ugly. I’ve regretted this, and I was sharing with my Dad some about my previous post… how that I have through reflection and prayer on this experience of my life come to realize that this process has been good for me. As hard as it has been, I see how that I am growing and changing… and I think it’s all for the better. It’s almost like a detox-purge kind of diet. Except spiritually. I’m detoxing my heart and soul of doubts and angers and entitlements and superiority feelings. I’ve seen, like Peter who was sure HE could never deny the Lord but did not only once but three times, that I in fact, had it within myself to ACCUSE my God of not loving me. My God who died for me. I have seen that I had it within me to see my life as the center of my universe. MY hopes and dreams and ideas and plans were the center around which I revolved. Oh yes, I believed (and thought I tried) to make it ALL revolve around God… and at points, I think I succeeded… but I have realized how imperfect my attempts have been… how selfishly ego centered I have been. So I am thankful for our infertility challenges.

My Dad shared a great point with me that I had never thought about. He said that if Paul, who was obviously one of the most influential Christians with both his teachings and his writings had been trying to establish a large church or a grand ministry, all of his shipwrecks, imprisonments, beatings, etc. would have been seen as “setbacks”. Especially in our day in time. When we read his writings in the Bible, we take for granted that it must have been easy for him to follow… must have been easy for him to understand.. must have been easy for him to hear the direction of the Lord. But, if you look at it from our viewpoint today, we must realize how trying those “setbacks” could have been. How trying it must have been to have prayed three times for the Lord to remove his “thorn in his flesh”– his burden. And yet, because Paul’s goal was not to build a massive church or the most popular ministry, but rather his only goal was TO KNOW HIM MORE, these were not setbacks at al. They, in fact, were helping Him to accomplish that goal. (Phil. 3:4-14)

As much as I want to have children someday, I have come through prayer to the belief that the only thing in my life that really matters is to know Christ more. And to allow Him to use me to do His will in my world. I believe that He will bless me with children someday, but if I am wrong about that, I pray that I will continue to remember my ultimate goal, and find it within myself to embrace the calling that He chooses to put on my life.

My sweet and awesome brother-in-law, Christopher, called me the other day to tell me he had been doing a study through the book of James. He said that I had been on his heart a lot during this study and he just wanted to share with me a little bit about it. After his call, which meant so much to me, I decided to also read a little out of James in some of my morning devotions.  As I have mentioned earlier, I am really loving “the Message” version by Eugene Peterson, so I want to finish with a few verses from it, as they sort of correlated with everything else I have been thinking and reading.

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all of your options open…..

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.”

May I always be able to apply these new concepts to my life. Because there is always something some temptation to make us doubt.. to draw us away. My struggle has been my infertility, but there are a billion other things it could be. But the answer should always be the same. Our one goal should be to KNOW HIM MORE. When that is truly our goal, our perspective can change, and we can embrace anything that comes our way.