"Rock of Ages"

January 27, 2013

04:30 a.m.

(Can’t sleep)

When my Dad was first pastoring 33 years ago, he started this thing called “Dial-A-Prayer”, and continued it for probably 12+ years. It was a phone number that people could call 24 hours a day and hear a little daily devotional/story and then a prayer. It was very popular with shut-ins…and me. I was definitely his biggest supporter, often carrying little cards with the number on it and leaving them on tables at restaurants and on the windows of people’s cars.

One of the stories that I remember most clearly was about a farmer and his son. The farmer had planted a large crop. Just a few days before the harvest there came a terrible storm. As the rain subsided and the sun broke through the clouds, the father and son walked outside (I always imagine them on this deck overlooking a field behind their house) to assess the damage from the storm. Seeing the crops – their livelihood – almost totally destroyed, the little boy looked up at his father expecting to hear words of despair. Instead he heard his father, with tears in his eyes, softly begin to sing, “Rock of Ages, Cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee…” I remember the story going on to conclude that it was the best sermon that the little boy ever heard, and that although his father had lost a crop that day, he had given His son a desire for God – far more important than the crop.

I first heard this story when I was probably six or seven years old, but it has stuck with me through the years… and I have always loved the song “Rock of Ages” just for that reason.

I would like for my response to a crisis to ALWAYS be the response of the father, however, that is MUCH easier desired than accomplished. Seeing the story in full, written from the viewpoint of the adult son, who declared it as the “greatest sermon he ever heard”, we can see the value in the lost crop. The lost crop allowed the son to see his father’s faith in action. But in the moment, not knowing how it would change the son’s life, it would be much harder to see the relevancy of the lost crop. The farmer might have asked, “WHY GOD? What was the point? What did it hurt YOU to let me keep my crop?!” When the point all along wasn’t about the crop or the father… but about the son.

So I have shared about some of the frustrations of my last year - beginning with our rental house being sold in July of last year after being on the market for less than 6 weeks. Prior to it selling, I had been praying that it would NOT sell until October. I had a couple of reasons that October was ideal… and I had decided that my timing was obviously correct. I could foresee that October was an ideal month to move, if we had to move. When it sold in July, I was angry. I even felt like I was in a kind-of “crisis of belief”. It wasn’t JUST the house selling that resulted in this crisis of belief… that was just the beginning. It was the house, the fact that the man paid with cash so we had 3 weeks to vacate and find somewhere else, going through fertility issues during the midst of this move, turning down the jobs in Denver that I wanted, etc. etc.

But I blamed it mostly on the stress of July/August house selling/moving experience… I felt that if we could have stayed until October then we wouldn’t have been so stressed during the beginning stages of trying to have a baby… we wouldn’t have had to move to another rental and then to our current house in a three month period. We could have had less stress. I actually said to my Mom one day, “What would the three month span from August to October have hurt??” Both my parents, who are the most faith-strong people I know, seemed to feel that it wasn’t all happenstance… that although we could not see it, and may never see it, God had still been working in what appeared to be the chaos.

It’s been almost six months. I’ve sort of let that issue go. As stressful as it was, now that we are getting settled and comfortable in our beautiful new home (purchased in November), I’m feeling less angry about the forced move of last summer.  I guess I had (more recently) concluded that “it is what it is” and some things will never make sense.

Last week there was a big shake up at Contech. Biggest round of layoffs since 2008. Van was one of three people in the country who had the position he had (project consultant) that did not get laid off. We were both very thankful for this blessing, and he’s had a great attitude about his “new” role/job (he will no longer be working with ALL of Contech’s engineering products, but specifically with stormwater.) Initially he was a bit disappointed. He’s kind of the stormwater guru in this area, and so it made sense from a business standpoint, (and it saved him a job), but he had been enjoying learning the other products that this change was an initial disappointment. However, with a bad economy and so many layoffs, we have chosen to be thankful for the opportunity to continue to get paid monthly.

For the first 18 hours of finding out about his new job title I was a little aggravated. I assumed (incorrectly) that Van would be extremely unhappy with the new position (I assumed he'd feel "trapped" in storm water.) And I was frustrated because it means a lot more traveling for him. The morning after we had found off, I was still feeling kind of bitter. On my way to work, I talked to my Dad about it and I became angry… even crying some, saying, “BUT WE BOUGHT A HOUSE. I TURNED DOWN A JOB IN DENVER THAT I WANTED SO HE COULD STAY WITH THE JOB HE HAD HERE… SO HE COULD GROW IN KNOWLEDGE AND ENGINEERING…NOW HE'S LOST ALL OF THAT OPPORTUNITY, IS STUCK IN STORMWATER, AND WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!” I was feeling really angry that we had bought the house. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE our house. I think we got a spectacular deal on it and could probably turn around and sell it tomorrow and not lose a penny. I think it is a good investment. But I don’t want to stay here forever. I’ve been a little discontented with my job lately and I miss seasons. I had wanted to take the job in Colorado, but because Van felt his job offered him so much growth within engineering, we had decided to stay… and to buy a house. Now I was feeling like we must have rushed this process… and we had been foolish to do so. How much more freedom would we have had if we didn’t have the house now?!… with neither of us loving our jobs, we would be free to just leave when we wanted.

And then days later – we learned that one of the big factors in them choosing Van for this new position (instead of laying him off like all the others) was because he had bought a house. Mike Hunter (his old boss from Maine, who now works at corporate) told Van that it’s like this:  You have two candidates who are about the same… you have your number one and your number two.  But the number one is a little unstable, uncertain of where he’s going to be in the next two years. So you almost want to choose number two due to stability. Because the last thing you want is to choose number one, and then six months down the road he wants to move or leave… He said Van had been their number one, but the fact that he had bought a house had sort of sealed the deal.

So yesterday while I was on an emotional roller coaster due to uncertainty about our fertility issues, I began to re-examine God's faithfulness to me in the past. I began to think about how I had not understood at all why God would have not answered my simple and easy-for-him-to-manage prayer to stay at our rental house until October… but the fact is, if we had stayed until October, we wouldn’t have been put in a situation, living in a humongous house that we didn’t really like and where we were so sick of living out of boxes that we were just desperate to get out – even if it meant buying a house.  If we had stayed until October in our original rental, even if we had decided to start looking, we probably wouldn’t have bought and been in a house by this point. So getting “kicked out” of the house has turned out in actuality to be a blessing. It’s because we were kicked out that we decided to buy… and because we bought, Van didn’t lose his job.

What a concept.  I think this must happen so much more than we realize.  Often times we never see exactly how He worked out the bigger picture for us, but the longer I travel this road, the more certain I am that I travel it with a much wiser and more knowledgable God. Clearly seeing how He has actively been orchestrating details in my life gives me faith to believe that He will continue to do so. My view is so limited and so narrow, but I believe that God who knows the beginning and the end. He knew six months ago about the layoffs. And so He guided us. Although I thought He wasn't listening to my prayers and or just didn't care, He was perfectly in charge the whole time. 

Over this period of dealing with infertility, I have certainly spent more time assessing my emotions, my feelings, my inner self, my ability to trust… I have seen my extreme flaws, weaknesses, and humanness, but I have also gained faith and trust, as I have had to learn how to totally let go of my desire to control my own life.  It's not been easy. It is literally a daily event where I have to make a conscious effort to let it go... but I believe that I can already see the positive effects of this experience in my life. And I believe that the effects of the experience will ripple through my life for much longer than this trial will last. 

Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. Like my heart is going to speed right up with anxiety until I pass out and die. Like I can't breathe for the fear that smothers me.  Sometimes I am able to totally forget about it all or at least see it sort of objectively. Somedays I just rest in the peace of knowing that God is bigger than my problems and that He is in control. And no matter what, as long as He's got me, I'm going to be okay. But it wouldn’t be a "trial" if every day was smooth. And trials are where we grow the most… so I can (almost) say that I am honored that God thinks I am strong enough to walk this road, to endure this challenge. And I believe, I really do believe that He will see me through it.

God, help me to continue with endurance and faith. I want to trust You all of my life, my Rock of Ages, Cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee. 

Serving Paraguay

There is this story I have heard about a little boy on a beach after a storm. Slowly he made his way down a starfish-litered beach tossing stranded starfish back into the salty waters. An older man, watching this for a while finally decided to ask why the boy was doing this. The boy explained that he was saving the starfish. The old man laughed at the insanity of it. There was no way it was possible for this boy to even make a dent in saving the amount that had been left behind on the beach. The boy tossed the starfish he had been holding in his hand back into the water and said, "It made the difference for this ONE."

Don't we all wish that our lives could have a PURPOSE? A point to it all? Sometimes it feels like we get up and go to work to make money in order to pay the bills so we can have a house to live in where that we sleep so we can rest in order to get up and go to work... It's like that song my sister use to sing when we were kids to annoy my Dad. "There's a hole in my bucket, Dear Liza, Dear Liza..." (Where Liza responds to 'Dear Henry' to fix it... and the last response is that he should carry (in a bucket) the water he needs to wet the rock he needs to sharpen his dull knife that he needs to cut the straw to fix the hole in his bucket... but there's a hole in his bucket, and the song repeats... no end!)  It seems that way with life sometimes!  That the point of it is in fact pointless! And that it's a vicious cycle of nothingness and meaningless events.  I think a lot of it comes from feeling like our life really has no impact on anyone or anything.  We WANT to save a starfish. We want our lives to matter to SOMEONE other than ourselves.

My sister once put it like this, "When I was a little girl, I distinctly remember thinking that I was going to change the world when I grew up. I'm talking along the lines of "first female President." Call it innocence of childhood or whatever you wish, but I really believed it. The older I get, however, the more obvious it has become to me that I have neither the desire nor the qualifications to actually pursue that role. I'm not, in other words, going to "change the world." But I'm ok with that too. I have a new mantra for my life, though, which is that although I may not be able to change the world, I can try to change my world. I once heard the quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and it has stuck with me. I have too often crutched on, "Someone else will do it...someone else will donate their time and money..." without even realizing it. With conscious effort, I'm trying to not see it that way anymore. If I want things to be different in the world - or in Rochester - or in my family - I have to be the one to step up."

I have a childhood friend, Sara, who in her selfless act of walking away (along with her husband and two small children) from a life of comfort here in the U.S. to live among abused, abandoned, and orphaned children in Paraguay has truly "stepped up", and in doing so, she has also given me the opportunity to feel like I have a gift to give to life. I, even living in San Antonio, can make a difference within lives of others. I can change the world. Even if it's the world of one child.

Sometimes we are inundated with the sad stories of people. Children all over the world who are abused, hungry, orphaned, neglected, unloved... and we find ourselves wondering how on earth can one act of kindness matter... with all of the NEED that exists?  And yet, like the starfish -- it does matter.  We can only do so much, but we can do what we can with all of our might... and I wholeheartedly believe that Sara, Shaun, Abi and Sammy are doing just that!  

Sara and her husband Shaun are the directors of  "Hogar Ganar" in Itagua, Paraguay. Hogar Ganar is a 45 acre community that offers a safe haven and a permanent home for 30 children who have been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused and or abandoned. In attempt to maintain their cultural heritage, the children are placed in a home with a Christian Paraguayan couple, who they refer to as 'Tio' and 'Tia' (Uncle and Aunt).  The full-time house parents as well as Shaun and Sara desire for these children to experience the love of a family as well as to obtain the education they otherwise would have to forgo. They attend a public school on the Hogar Ganar property, that was opened under the guidance of Shaun and Sara. They gain skills working in the home's bakery and garden. And they are learning to dream of a hopeful future.

My brother-in-law Christopher went during his last year of medical school to visit Hogar Ganar. He said the one thing that had stood out to him was that some of the children's only dream was to get big enough so that they could help get their siblings out of the same environment they themselves had come out of. Sara has said that in the beginning many of the children seem surprised by questions like, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Such thoughts have never been conceived... and yet she has shared with me how that SHE dreams that someday these children will go to college - perhaps even some in the US... that these children could change the nation of Paraguay. And it seems her dreams are infecting the hearts and minds of the children. They are blossoming in the abundance of unconditional love and guidance, and they are learning to dream for themselves. 

I could name MANY things that I think are awesome about the work that Sara and Shaun are doing in Paraguay, but probably one of the things I love most about the ministry of Hogar Ganar is how much they strive to give the children a "normal", loving childhood... providing them not only with the basics of shelter, food, and clothing - but going over and beyond... giving the young girl's quinceañera's, taking the young boys camping and fishing, participating in soccer competitions and even 5k races. They are loving these children the way all children deserve to be loved, and they are making a difference.

Sara and Shaun have been blessed with a beautiful and large facility in which to protect and invest in these children. They currently have 3 homes open, but they have 7 more houses that they dream of filling one day. Currently their biggest limitation is finances. They sell the breads and garden harvests to  make money for the home, but the majority of their financial provisions come from donations and monthly support. It takes about $1200.00 to clothe, feed, and educate the ten children of each home, as well as pay the house parents. One hundred percent of any donation goes straight to the homes and the children and all donations are tax deductible.

Paraguay does not have government run children's services the way the US does. Children that are abused have no where to go, unless someone like Sara opens up her doors to them. She has shared with my sister that she often cries late into the night over the amount of children that she is requested to take, yet despite having the room for more she has to turn many of them down due to not having the finances to responsibly accept more children.

Some people are willing to walk away from the comfort of a life in America, close to family and friends, and some people get the blessing of staying - but supporting financially.  I am honored to have the chance to contribute to this work.  And because it has blessed me so, I want to share it with anyone of my friends who might be interested in participating in Sara and Shaun's work in Paraguay.

If you would be interested in learning more about this amazing work please visit Sara and Shaun's blog and or view the video connected to the below link.

http://mortonmissions.blogspot.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT697cvAo44

Homemade Hummus Dip

I first was introduced to hummus sometime during college by my nursing school best friend, Dana. She was the model foodie. Loved to cook, loved to eat, but was super cute and skinny, and mostly ate healthy. I was always trying to model my intake after her. Hummus was immediately interesting to me as it seemed as earthy and granola as I wanted to be, as well as very tasty!

I soon became a connoisseur of hummus with my favorites in Knoxville coming from the Fresh Market (grocery store) and the restaurant Sunspot (where they had a delicious black bean hummus). I learned I did not like the brand Athenos in hummus... and that if I had to buy a store bought brand Sabra was probably the best (although I did like some variations in the "Tribe" brand).  When I moved to San Antonio, I spent one day driving to multiple restaurants and grocery stores buying various brands of hummus, looking for the best one in the area. (Conclusion: The Turquoise Grill off of 410 and Fredericksburg Rd.;  Central Market brands are also pretty good.)

There are certain foods, restaurants, and styles that my sister refers to as "Jessi-friendly"...  Hummus is one such food.  Shortly after she moved to Rochester, MN she called to tell me that she had found he cutest "Jessi-friendly" grocery store (Trader Joe's) as well as some to-die-for hummus at a restaurant called Daube's.  I couldn't wait to visit them both!

Daube's hummus is quite possibly one of the most amazing things I have ever put in my mouth. It was better even than the Fresh Market hummus in Knoxville -- and that is saying A LOT.  I've written down all of the ingredients that the container lists (it's homemade), so I am hoping that someday I will figure the secret out.

The one thing I did figure out from my Daube's experience was why it is I don't really like store-bought hummus.  They are all too smooth.  I guess it's really like the difference between pulp and no pulp, crunchy PB or creamy PB... Van actually prefers smooth hummus, and is thus satisfied with Sabra (easy enough because it's in all stores)... but I like textured hummus (which Daube's is). I sort of like little bits of the chickpea still being visible and tasted.  It seems fresher that way. And it does not encourage my gag reflex, which large amounts of too smooth textured foods will do.

I have made various homemade hummus recipes, with many of them being terrible. But I have finally found and adapted one that I really like.  I have successfully re-created a good tasting hummus with this recipe on more than one attempt (so that seems to insinuate it wasn't just luck the first time.)

If you haven't tried hummus before, you should!

Classic Hummus Recipe:
3 C chickpeas, drained
3 garlic cloves
1/4 C olive oil
1/4 C tahini
salt and pepper to taste
3 TBSP lemon juice

So I like to make my chickpeas (aka garbanzo beans) fresh. You could buy them and drain them from a can, but I feel like it's healthier making them with dried beans... so what I do is I put the chickpeas on the stove or in my little 8 qt bean crockpot and cook ... I put one cup of dried chickpeas with about 6 cups of water, 1/4 C of olive oil, and a tsp. of salt.  I cook them for however long they need to cook (if on the stove a couple of hours + adding water as needed,  and if in the crockpot more like all day...)

I made some hummus this evening.  I put the chickpeas in the crockpot this morning around 11 when I left, and when I got home around dinner, they were ready to be turned into a yummy hummus.

I put all of the ingredients in my food processor at one time and mix. I don't add any of the chickpea juice because I like my hummus drier (which will make it more textured), and I am careful not to puree too long with the processor (as to keep it sort of chunky).  If you like it smooth, though, you can add a little more olive oil or juice from the chickpeas.

I added 1/4 tsp of salt and pepper... but I ended up thinking it needed a little more salt. So I added another 1/8 tsp.

And it turned out delicious.

If you want to get creative, you could add some red bell pepper or whatever else to the food processor to give it a less classic taste. But personally, I like it just the way it's written above!

Eat it with carrots, celery, bell peppers, pita chips, or pitas... use to replace mayonnaise with burgers... it has a million different ways to eat it. :)  Good and good for you... can't beat that!

Who would YOU be?

Everyone I am sure has heard that saying, "What comes around goes around." And although I do not really believe in "karma" per se (because I believe the rain falls on the "just and the unjust"), if I did believe in it, I would sometimes have to laugh and agree that karma can be rather spiteful.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I was lost in my thoughts. It started with amusement: I found myself thinking about a conversation I had had last night with a friend. This friend from back home was telling me about how she had been asked to participate in an interview of a potential colleague. But just recently this other colleague had been extremely rude and condenscending towards this friend - not knowing that she would soon be one of her interviewers. Karma. What comes around goes around.

Which made me wonder...

I thought about this person (who I also know), and I wondered if she were to be asked to sum up in one word her primary goal in life, the one thing she wished to be known for, or defined as, what it would be. Surely not rude or condenscending? I would imagine she would consider herself a thousand other titles before those two... "mother", "ambitious", "intelligent", "hard-working". But it is becoming more apparent to me that the people who surround us are often the ones who name us.

And then my thoughts continued to drift...

In the past, many (famous) people who have been known simply by their first name (i.e. queens/kings/emporerers), were eventually bestowed with titles by the people who observed them in life. "Catherine the Great" "Ivan the Terrible" "Bloody Mary", there was even one in Russia known as "Dmitry the Terrible Eyes!" haha!

Because ACTIONS speak louder than words. Deeds define.

Which made me ask myself:  If those who observe me in life were to define me, would their one-word-definition of me be one that I would be pleased with?

I like to think of myself as a thousand different abilities and likes into one person. Jessica the lover of photos. Jessica the good cook. Jessica the creative. Jessica the compassionate. Jessica the good sister. Jessica the giver of gifts. Jessica the loving daughter. Jessica the loyal friend. Jessica the lover of books. Jessica the speaker of Spanish. Jessica the wife of Van. Jessica the Adventurous. Jessica the Christian.

Always, always, always positive. We see ourselves positively. My Mom use to quote to me regularly a proverb, "A man's ways are right in his own eyes." And so they are.

So although I see myself as these (positive) things, do others? Or do they see me as Jessica the stressed out. Jessica the drama queen. Jessica the difficult. Jessica the stubborn. Jessica the gossip. Jessica who lacks patience. Jessica the arrogant. Jessica the smart alec. Jessica the condenscending.

I hope not!  But, yet I know I have been guilty of every single negative thing written above. And that makes me think: perhaps I should make a second new years resolution: (My first is to floss more) "TO LIVE INTENTIONALLY". To make my positives outshine my negatives. To live so that the qualities I value most will be visible not only to myself but to others as well.

If you were a great King or Queen, and others were going to write a wikipedia page about you and define you... what would it be? And would YOU be pleased with it?