my opportunity

It has been 6 months since I cried from sadness due to fertility problems. January 2013 to be exact. I am so grateful for this, because the lack of tears have not been due to any suppression of thoughts or feelings.  On the contrary, I have been fully aware of our infertility, while fully embracing my adventurous life that having no children allows. I have been in a great spot emotionally. Waiting patiently, which is kind of surprising, because patience is the most unlikely virtue that I might posess.

But last night the frustration and fear of two years of fertility challenges stabbed at my heart until the tears flowed. I was feeling lonely and abandoned. And so I wallored in my self-pitty and the unfairness of my situation.

Only two days ago I was in an OR doing the anesthesia for a very sick ICU patient. As we were finishing up the case, late at night, I heard some voices coming from out in the hallway. It sounded like a disagreement, as the tones were intense and loud. I asked the nurse if he knew who was yelling, and then almost to myself I said, "There's no need for such upset. It could always be worse. You could be in the situation of this patient..." (who suffered a very unnecessary and tragic work accident that has left life clinging to the body) The surgeon looked at me in thougtful contemplation and said, "I know, right?" While standing there I was glad that I had been able to see my glass half full... but then again I was not in the depths of despair. It's so much harder when you're actually feeling the despair to pull up out of it. I thought to myself, "I've got to remember this attitude of gratitude..."

But last night I found myself feeling sorry for myself. How quickly I forget.

After about a solid hour of feeling sorry for myself I began to think about the sadness of this world. Cancer patients who die before they have had a chance to live. Children living in Africa without enough food to fill their bellys. People unjustly imprisoned (Nelson Mandela). Holocaust victims. The loss of a child. The untimely loss of a spouse. As I thought about these other heartaches, I remembered that I am blessed. It can always be worse.

I've always been a lover of deep, meaningful, inspiring quotes. I use to fill my day planner's front and back pages with them. In college, I had multiple index cards filled with quotes taped to the inside of my shower so that I could read them at the start of each day. Often, my favorite quotes come from people who have been "through the fire". I have always seen them as heroic for their unwavering faith or ability to endure extreme hardships. And as I was inspired by their words, I would imagine that I too would face obstacles in such a way. I would imagine as I sat in the comfort of America that I was chiseling with their words my mind and heart to be like theirs. And so here is my opportunity. I don't understand the pain. And maybe I never will, but I choose to hold on to the hope that I am being refined.

"Passionate Patience"

For at least a month, I have been regularly reading and re-reading Lamentations 3 from "the message", with particular focus on 3:25-27.

Lamentations 3 is a chapter that is familiar to many. It's a chapter that refers to God's "faithfulness". There's an old hymn that I am familiar with that sings the words, "They are new every morning, new every morning, Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh Lord." 

The verses that really stood out to me over the last month, however, say this, "God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God." 

What is really ironic to me is that in almost the very same breath, the author writes how God's faithfulness is NEW every morning followed by encouragement towards waiting and seeking. In some ways, that could seem like an oxymoron. Every day, is faithful. Yet wait and seek. This reminds me that God's faithfulness and my ability to see the whole picture of His plan are not one and the same. Despite my total blindness, despite my total uncertainty, despite feeling overwhelmed, He is DAILY orchestrating my life, faithfully. 

Just because I cannot see, just because I am waiting, does NOT mean he is not Faithful.

I NEED that reminder!

I have also been reading through the New Testament. I'm currently in Romans. I have spent two days on Romans 5, with particular emphasis on Romans 5:3-5 (message) because it says, "We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't even round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"

There's that reference again "passionate" waiting/patience followed by the idea of hope/expectancy. When I saw it, I had to stop, flip over to Lamentations and re-read it. So if you read the two together you get this message (Jessica's understanding):  We have troubles. But during those troubles we should feel thankful (and shout praises) because we are developing passionate patience. And God is GOOD to the person who passionately waits. While waiting we are learning to expect from God, because He is FAITHFUL to generously pour into our lives. So keep hoping"

I know I took some liberty with the words... but I really do feel like that is what it means. I think the verses kind of complete each other because they confirm what the other is saying, and add a little to give more clarity to the bigger picture. 

I love it. I love how I can depend on His faithfulness. And in this knowledge, I am hopeful. My future is bright, as the child of God.