Thankful

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. And this year I was super thankful for the opportunity to have my family (minus my sister, brother-in-law, and niece) and Van's parents with us in our new house for Thanksgiving. It was a little chaotic at times with so much stuff still needing to be unpacked and organized from our recent move (one week before) and with so many people, but I love that with family (and close friends) there's no need to apologize or make excuses for such messes and chaos. It's a no judgement zone. :)

My Mom and I cooked some of my favorite traditional thanksgiving foods... including my Grandma McCaleb's amazing dressing recipe and my Aunt Elaine's broccoli casserole dish. And I made a new cranberry dish that my friend Stephanie introduced to us two Thanksgivings ago which is a new favorite of Van's... and thus a new tradition on the yearly menu.

Thank God for Unanswered Prayers

Today is a perfect morning... one of those mornings that when I am driving to work at 6:15 on most mornings, I wish that I could stay home to enjoy.  The weather is cool (it rained yesterday, so it's feeling a little bit like fall today). The sun isn't totally awake yet... there are these shimmers of light that are beginning to fall onto the earth slowly, groggily, the final hour of dawn, but still dark enough that it feels cozy. The lights in my house are all off, except for my Christmas tree, and I've enjoyed a cup of coffee in my bath robe both on the back porch listening to the sound of our windchimes ringing, until I got a little too cold and came in to finish it in the dark in front of our Christmas tree. Ahhh, relaxation. :)

As I was sitting here feeling very thankful for our new home, I began to give thanks to God for the "unanswered prayers" in my life. (This home included... but I'll have to tell that one later).

My first really big unanswered prayer (that I remember at least) that resulted in a life-changing experience was my acceptance, or lack thereof into anesthesia school...

I graduated from nursing school with the intent of going back to nurse anesthesia school. I had learned quickly in nursing school that floor nursing and even ICU nursing (although better) was not for me. Thank God that there are people who love nursing, but I was not one of them. My usual way of approaching a situation is to do it exactly by the "rule book"... so naturally when setting the stage for graduate school I decided to try to choose the most successful route of getting to my end destination. As a young Tennesseean growing up, I didn't know much about the hospitals in the Nashville area except this: if you had a heart problem you went to St.Thomas, if you had a baby you went to Baptist, and if you were seriously injured in some trauma accident, you went to Vanderbilt. And Vanderbilt was Vanderbilt... so my decision was easy: I would choose the best known hospital and do one of their best known specialties. I started my first job as a nurse in June of 2005 as an ICU nurse in Vanderbilt's 31 bed trauma Level 1 ICU.

I worked in this setting for a couple of years, until I felt I was qualified enough to ask for references for my application to anesthesia school.  It never crossed my mind that I would go to school anywhere but Middle Tennessee School of Anesthesia, just outside of Nashville. Although there was a school in Knoxville, I didn't want to go to it because I had done my undergraduate at UT, and so I felt that this school was my one and only option. I had five references for my application: one from the surgical director of the unit, Dr. Miller, who told me that when he chose to give a reference (which he did it on a limited basis), all of his candidates were accepted. I also had a reference from my boss, the manager of the trauma unit, and a few others. I also knew that MTSA had a preference for Vanderbilt ICU nurses. I felt that with such a decked stack, my acceptance was a shoe in.

The night before my interview, I sat on my Mom and Dad's couch talking about my plans... My Dad asked me if I was nervous, and I expressed my confidence, listing off all of the things I had in my favor for acceptance. I had done everything right. There was almost no way it couldn't happen.

And then my Dad said something that has stuck with me ever since: "Jessica, if God wants you in that school, he can open doors no man can close, but if He does not, He can shut doors no man can open - even if the Queen of England writes you a recommendation."

I remember being SO ANNOYED. My thought was, "WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE ABOUT GOD AND HIS PLAN??  Can't it just be that I have worked hard and am going to get in on my own merit??"

The next day, I went in for my interview, and a few weeks later I found out that I was an "alternate" -- that I had NOT been accepted to the school. Devastated may be too light of a description on how I felt. I literally walked around mine and Van's new apartment aimlessly in my pajamas for days... and that's when I got out of the bed. I cried a lot. I was humiliated. I was shocked. I was heart-broken.

After days of lectures from Van, my Dad, and my Mom on how I must get over this, I was re-reading a little bit of one of my favorite books, "The Alchemist" and I read this phrase, "People fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." That little phrase inspired me, because it's the kind of inspirational quote I love on a good day.. and it made me feel a little guilty that I was not behaving with the same attitude in my time of despair. It's easy to love these kind of quotes when everything is going our way, but what really shows the heart of someone is when they can live it despite disappointment.

So I decided to get over it. I got up and started searching the AANA website for various anesthesia schools. While doing this, I noticed on MSN or AOL a news article that I had read many months before from outside magazine. It was, "Top 10 Cities in America to Live for Outdoorsy Things to Do." I looked at the list and chose my top 3 off the list: Charleston, S.C., Salt Lake City, Utah, and Portland, Maine. And to my surprise they all 3 had anesthesia schools.

My first choice MUSC in South Carolina had just closed their deadline (only five short days... about the time I started my feeling sorry for myself), and although I tried, I was unable to convince them to let me send a late application. My second choice was Salt Lake City, Utah, but after looking at the school there, I wasn't very interested, and decided not to apply. My third choice was Portland, Maine, and lucky for me, I still had five days to complete my application for the University of New England's anesthesia school...  which wasn't too hard because I had most of the stuff I needed from my first application from MTSA. What I lacked was reference letters. I was too embarrassed to call Dr. Miller and the nurse manager of the trauma unit again... so I got a reference from my closest resident friend (our chief resident in trauma, Jason Schrager), the assistant nurse manager on the trauma unit... none of the "big names" I had had before.

Two months later, I got an interview, a month or so after that, I got accepted, and 9 months later, we moved to Maine. It was the best decision of our married life... taking that leap of faith. It was mine and Van's first grand adventure, and it changed our lives for the better. One day, while living in Maine, I was thinking about how blessed we were to be having this experience of living in New England... and I  actually felt scared at how close I had gotten to getting into MTSA. I had this, "oh my goodness! WHAT IF I had been accepted to MTSA?!... how horrible that I would be missing this experience!" And then it occurred to me that I was so very thankful for this unanswered prayer in my life.

God had known all along that there was something better.

The great thing about realizing this truth has been that on many (although not all - still working on that) of my post-anesthesia school disappointments, or moments of difficulty in life, I have been able to go back to this thought... knowing that I see with limited vision my life, and trusting that God sees the big picture... and His plan is far greater than my own. It's allowed me to have peace in the midst of turmoil, assurance, comfort, and confidence despite feeling shaky, overwhelmed and uncertain.

So thanking God this morning for the unanswered prayers that lead me to where I am today. May I continue to remember that great is His faithfulness, morning by morning.

We got to see the sunrise on Cadillac Mountain (where "America's morning begins") on our first anniversary

This guy thought he'd never live outside of Sumner County, much less Tennessee.  What a positive experience Maine was for him! 

Fall is my favorite season... and lucky was I to have 3 beautiful falls in New England, where the leaves are prettier than anywhere else. 

We spent many hours riding bikes!

We learned to snowski - which has now become one of our favorite vacation activities.

I had never seen such large snows!! Our first winter we had 130 inches! 

We dogsledded!

We snow tubed.

We drove Van's vehicle onto a frozen lake just to say we'd done it.

We saw the Green Monster first hand.

We kayaked - a lot. 

We hiked Mt. Katahdin.

We visited many lighthouses.

Van realized his dram of learning to flyfish.

We had lots of fun.

It's officially official...

It's officially official that Van and I are homeowners!  We closed today on the house, got the keys, and started the process of moving in.

Funny enough, I realized that 3 years ago tonight, I graduated from anesthesia school. (11/14 is becoming a momentous date in my life...)  It's kind-of surreal to think about how much time has already passed.. and how much has changed. But it's exciting too. Makes you wonder where we'll be in another three. :)

I can tell you one thing, I never ever ever would have dreamed (three years ago) that today I would be a homeowner in San Antonio, Texas.  But here I am... and excited about it at that.

Today I am thankful

It's November. The month for thanks-giving. On Facebook, many of my friends daily give thanks for something. So today, the day after being disappointed with the re-election of President Obama, I want to express my thankfulness for the democracy within which I live.

Fifty-six. Since the inception of this country, we have had 56 presidential elections and following these elections, we have successfully transferred or maintained the power peacefully and non-violently.

Not even in the American Civil War was this process disputed! Most of us take this for granted as we go about our daily lives, but take this time to reflect on what an awesome achievement this is... miraculous even.

This concept was unheard of even just a few lifetimes. A concept that was inconceivable. This idea changed the world.

So today, although I am disappointed in the election results, I am thankful.

I ultimately believe that God is in control. And that He holds the heart if the king, turning it whichsoever way He likes. And so I will not fear. I will not despair. My hope is not in this world.

May God bless the United States of America, and may God bless President Obama.

Great is His faithfulness

One of my all-time favorite stories is a small story within the larger story The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. Corrie, her sister, and their father had been arrested and taken to one of the worst German Nazi concentration camps, Ravensbruck. They were not Jewish, but they had been found to be hiding Jews in their home. Corrie shares her story and her struggles to trust in God during this time. The story within the story that I love so much is this: she and her sister Betsie had smuggled a Bible into the concentration camp. Betsie had read in the smuggled Bible the scripture that says to give thanks in all things. She took this command so literally that she decided that she and Corrie must give thanks for every aspect of their lives within the concentration camp -- even the fleas that were rampant in their overcrowded concentration camp. Corrie (as most of us would) had a very hard time being thankful for any aspect of their lives within the concentration camp, ESPECIALLY the fleas. Over the next few months of their concentration camp life, these two sisters in this hopeless situation of brutality, unfairness exhaustion, hunger and dehumanization started a a Bible study in which they were trying to infuse hope to their fellow inmates - people who were this side of heaven utterly hopeless. This act of defiance would have been punishable by death, but they were never found out, as the guards never entered their barracks. The time in the barracks became a time of reprieve for the women, and many of the women accepted Christ as their Savior. And it was not until the very end of their time in the concentration camp that they learned that the guards had not come into the barracks because they were afraid of being swarmed by the FLEAS.

Even in the midst of terrible heartache, God was taking their bad situation and blessing them with it. And they never even knew it. Only by faith did they give thanks for the fleas. Faith - trusting that God is good even when the situations in our lives appear bad.

I have many times in my life had to take this story and remind myself to give thanks for the "fleas" in my own life. Sometimes more stressful, more painful, more overwhelming than others... but life is always full of some kind of "fleas". It's often hard for me to do, but no pain, no unjustness I have faced has ever compared to what these women faced, and yet they found it within themselves to trust God. It's so easy to trust and serve Him when life is going your way, when blessings abound. Much harder when it's by faith alone that we give thanks.

Corrie and Betsie lived out the qualities of one of my favorite quotes by Frederick Buechner: "To be commanded to love God at all, let alone in the wilderness, is like being commanded to be well when we are sick, to sing for joy when we are dying of thirst, to run when our legs are broken. But this is the first and the great commandment nonetheless. Even in the wilderness -- especially in the wilderness - you shall love him."

I am striving to become the kind of person who can thank God for the fleas in my life... who can love Him even in the wilderness... who can honestly say that "When peace like a river attendeth my way, (or) when sorrows like sea billows roll... WHATEVER my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. (lyrics by Horatio Spafford)"