I am so thankful that I did not have a baby when I first started trying two years and two months ago. I am so thankful that I struggled on the road of infertility. My human, would-prefer-it-the-easy-way side still occasionally (but less and less) feels a little irritated to think about how easily some people who are so irresponsible do the whole baby-parent thing (and how cheap they can do it too...), but I have experienced a literal transformation of my heart and attitude, that is worth every tear, every let down, and every penny. In the problems of life, this one is small in comparison to many, but I walked through my small fire... and at times I was sure I would burn and scorch... but in the end, I feel like I have been purified.
With that being said, after almost a year long break from anything fertility related, Van and I have decided to go ahead and proceed with IVF. And so we are in the middle of every other day doctors appointments, blood draws, and ultrasounds, as well as daily and multiple shots (for me), which cause at times severe headaches. Yet I feel no anxiety, no stress, no fear at all. I am perfectly confident that He who began a good work in me will continue it... whether it be with a baby or not. And for this, I am so thankful. It is only God who could soften my heart, who could help me to not only recognize my blessings in the midst of what I considered a storm, but also help me to learn to be truly and genuinely grateful for this "storm".
Things I have become more sure of this last year:
1. God is good. His grace is more than I deserve. He owes me nothing.
2. Like a parent who realizes that children need guidance and discipline, He loves us enough to not always give us everything we want immediately when we want it.
3. My trial is small. It's not cancer. It's not death. It's not the loss of my home. It's not starvation. It's minor, and I am blessed.
4. I believe that my fulfillment comes from nothing in this world - and that includes children. Not my spouse, not my job, not my family, not my money... true purpose and fulfillment is found only in seeking Him. I honestly believe that if I can't have children, I will still be fulfilled.
5. We cannot control our circumstances or our hormones... but we can control the way in which we respond. Attitude is controllable. Attitude is powerful.
6. I wasn't as perfect as I thought... I had more need for "help" than I wanted to believe. And still do. I will be a work in progress till the day I die.
7. God does not give you more than you can bare. There may be times that your heart feels like it will explode in pain or your lungs will burst in suffocation, but with His help we can be stronger than we ever dreamed.
8. I am blessed.
