Prayer Journal Entry:
I am NOT feeling extravagantly loved by God right now. I am feeling rather miserable and depressed. I am so unhappy living in this gargantuous house. I have not even close to enough furniture to fill it up. But I don't suppose it would matter if I did, anyways because it is our time here is temporary so we don't want to hang pics or unpack anything that isn't necessary. All we have really unpacked is our bathroom/bedroom, kitchen, and our t.v. and couches... everything else is still packed up. But the ugliness and disorganized look of an undecorated, full of boxes home doesn't motivate me to clean at all. No point. It's just so un-homey. So stupid. I just wish I had signed the lease at 1214 (our other house).
I am just so tired of our temporary, no stability life. It sucks. and I feel like I've been praying to a brass ceiling lately. And now I've barely got the motivation to pray. I don't even have the energy to cry. All I can do is just lay and be miserable and feel lost and lonely and forgotten by God. I feel like my perception is probably off and that most likely I am wrong, but right now it's hard to see beyond the fog that clouds my vision. I'm trying to tread on with logical memos to myself..."This is not real. You are blessed. All will work out. First world problems..." but even this is difficult. Shocker: I am not positive and strong always. I do crash.
On my way down, so Lord please catch me,
Jessica
Wednesday September 19, 2012
Prayer Journal Entry:
I have been feeling so abandoned by God. I think it started in July when the house sold. A prayer that I had fervently prayed (to not sell so quickly) unanswered. (And not only unanswered, the crazy man paid with cash - who does that?? -- and so we had 30 days to find something new!) Lately, it seems like not one thing has happened for us positively. I can feel the fog of depression trying to suffocate me. I feel the weight of the "pointless-ness" setting in... What's the point of it all? What's the purpose of it all?
I feel like an angry rebellious teenage child. I feel abandoned and instead of drawing near to God, I feel like giving Him the cold shoulder. Saying, "Fine!" and slamming my door. Blaming Him, ignoring Him... and so I have for the past few weeks. But the problems is I feel EVEN WORSE. Even more alone. Even more overwhelmed.
In James 5:11 it says, "We count them blessed who endure." I am struggling to endure. I realize that I am not in the best place of my life, but I barely know how to survive it. I feel like it is a vicious cycle... an undertow and I am spiraling, circling, drowning, and everything I have learned in the past about God's love and God's will and God's ability to answer prayers are not able to pull me out. I feel abandoned. I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel anxious.
Jessica
Wednesday, September 19, 2012 (several hours later - on the plane to San Fran, CA)
Prayer Journal Entry:
I've been thinking and praying and reading my Bible. I've been in such a funk the last several weeks and I am SICK of it. The depression has come in bouts, but too frequently and too debilitating. I have been so focused on the things that are upsetting me (undisclosed, but several things). I've been feeling angry and sorry for myself. And yet as I was attempting to pray (attempting is better than just ignoring God as I have been prone to do lately), I was reminded of the unfairness of Jesus' circumstance. He did not deserve His humanity, His rejection, His humiliation, His burden, His cross. The unjustness is appalling. How do I, a common sinner, so imperfect and faulty get off thinking that I deserve anything?Isn't His grace offered MORE than I deserve? Why do I assume that I deserve a good or blessed life? Because I offer HIM my life???!! Because I serve HIM??? (incredulous really) But my life and service aren't gifts from me to Him. My ability to do these things are HIS gifts to me. Wow. What a concept. I deserve the pit of hell, yet He loves me. Should I be beaten, should I be diseased, should I be impoverished, should I lose everything this world deems good, His love would still be more than I deserve. How can I feel rebellious? It's as crazy as someone receiving a free meal becoming angry that the meal was chicken instead of steak (or better yet steak instead of chicken!) I DESERVE the cross. If Jesus never answers another prayer, He is still good. I am so convicted at my selfishness, at my arrogant self-appreciation.
I LOVE the lyrics to the song "Savior King":
"And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power
And now the poor stand and confess
that my portion is served and I'm more than blessed"
...... (how immature of me to feel that I deserve a bigger, better portion. I have been given more than I deserve with salvation alone)
We love you Lord
We worship You
You are our God
***You alone are good***
***You asked your Son
***to carry this
the heavy cross
our weight of sin****
........((the parts with asterisks sort of are the parts that stuck out to me): You asked this of your perfect, undeserving son. How can I expect anything less for myself?? You alone are good -- I am at my core so vile and this time of testing has shown me how dark my heart is without God)
I worship you
Hope which was lost
Now stands renewed
I give my life
to Honor this
The Love of Christ
the Savior King
..........(no hope is what I deserve, but by your grace you give me hope anyways. If for no other reason, but His love, I should walk patiently and loyally through life for Him.)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Prayer Journal Entry:
While in San Fran, Van and I were walking on the street and we passed a homeless man whose stench was the worst I had ever smelled. Literally. (Which is saying a lot. Remember I did 2 years in a trauma ICU...) I did not know that body odor could be so pungent. The small lingered in my nose even after we were several feet away. Van and I were discussing it... and Van said, "It's hard for me to believe that God sees me and that man as completely the same." I thought about this for a minute, but as it was only a day or two after my re-realization on how God's goodness is based on His love and mercy alone (nothing that I have done, for sure), my reply was to the effect that that's because we view ourselves in this adult-worldly view, where that our actions give us value. (Our look, our careers, our money, but to God who does not value - or is not impressed with these tiny things, these outward things, we can all look the same. SO FAR from the ability of achieving grace on our own. So full of sin. So imperfect. (It's like the story about the jumping contest to the moon... if there was a jumping contest to the moon and I was competing against a world champion jumper, I might fall short of his or her leap, but we are both so short of reaching the goal of the moon, how could he or she claim that she's really any better?)
As a matter of fact, I have recently been thinking about the idea that maybe we will be our innocent child-like selves in heaven, where everything is impressive and joyful and exciting... so in keeping with this idea of children, maybe God sees this man with more compassion than he does us - the "put together". Imagine a group of children. Imagine that in this group, several are immaculately dressed. Smart. Assertive. Go getters. But arrogant. And imagine several others are dirty. Hungry. Poor. Scared. Uncertain. Timid. Hurt. Snotty. Desperately hungry for love. Our hearts might break a little more for the snotty nosed kids. Now, imagine that you find out that the group is actually a group of siblings. Some have been bathed ... given a nice pair of clothes... and the others have not. But they're all from the same background, deserving of the same fate. Siblings, sharing the same house, but the arrogant ones thinking it was they that had achieved their new, clean status (instead of being blessed with it by the person who bathed them and gave them clothes....) Wouldn't you be annoyed or saddened if the clean ones looked down on the others? If the clean ones walked around in arrogance, proclaiming that they were better than the others... worth more than the others? This MUST be how God sees us.
I am becoming more and more aware of my own filth. My own arrogance. My complete need for a Savior.
In closing, I want to record the lyrics of a song that I saw for the first time today (9/25/12) on Facebook. It is already a favorite. I speaks so strongly to where I've been lately. Lyrics by Laura Story.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
***'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise***
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
***'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise***
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
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