the pressed olive: Thank God for Unanswered Prayers

Today is a perfect morning... one of those mornings that when I am driving to work at 6:15 on most mornings, I wish that I could stay home to enjoy. The weather is cool (it rained yesterday, so it's feeling a little bit like fall today). The sun isn't totally awake yet... there are these shimmers of light that are beginning to fall onto the earth slowly, groggily, the final hour of dawn, but still dark enough that it feels cozy. The lights in my house are all off, except for my Christmas tree, and I've enjoyed a cup of coffee in my bath robe both on the back porch listening to the sound of our windchimes ringing, until I got a little too cold and came in to finish it in the dark in front of our Christmas tree. Ahhh, relaxation. :)

As I was sitting here feeling very thankful for our new home, I began to give thanks to God for the "unanswered prayers" in my life. (This home included... but I'll have to tell that one later).

My first really big unanswered prayer (that I remember at least) that resulted in a life-changing experience was my acceptance, or lack thereof into anesthesia school...

I graduated from nursing school with the intent of going back to nurse anesthesia school. I had learned quickly in nursing school that floor nursing and even ICU nursing (although better) was not for me. Thank God that there are people who love nursing, but I was not one of them. My usual way of approaching a situation is to do it exactly by the "rule book"... so naturally when setting the stage for graduate school I decided to try to choose the most successful route of getting to my end destination. As a young Tennesseean growing up, I didn't know much about the hospitals in the Nashville area except this: if you had a heart problem you went to St.Thomas, if you had a baby you went to Baptist, and if you were seriously injured in some trauma accident, you went to Vanderbilt. And Vanderbilt was Vanderbilt... so my decision was easy: I would choose the best known hospital and do one of their best known specialties. I started my first job as a nurse in June of 2005 as an ICU nurse in Vanderbilt's 31 bed trauma Level 1 ICU.

I worked in this setting for a couple of years, until I felt I was qualified enough to ask for references for my application to anesthesia school. It never crossed my mind that I would go to school anywhere but Middle Tennessee School of Anesthesia, just outside of Nashville. Although there was a school in Knoxville, I didn't want to go to it because I had done my undergraduate at UT, and so I felt that this school was my one and only option. I had five references for my application: one from the surgical director of the unit, Dr. Miller, who told me that when he chose to give a reference (which he did it on a limited basis), all of his candidates were accepted. I also had a reference from my boss, the manager of the trauma unit, and a few others. I also knew that MTSA had a preference for Vanderbilt ICU nurses. I felt that with such a decked stack, my acceptance was a shoe in.

The night before my interview, I sat on my Mom and Dad's couch talking about my plans... My Dad asked me if I was nervous, and I expressed my confidence, listing off all of the things I had in my favor for acceptance. I had done everything right. There was almost no way it couldn't happen.

And then my Dad said something that has stuck with me ever since: "Jessica, if God wants you in that school, he can open doors no man can close, but if He does not, He can shut doors no man can open - even if the Queen of England writes you a recommendation."

I remember being SO ANNOYED. My thought was, "WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE ABOUT GOD AND HIS PLAN?? Can't it just be that I have worked hard and am going to get in on my own merit??"

The next day, I went in for my interview, and a few weeks later I found out that I was an "alternate" -- that I had NOT been accepted to the school. Devastated may be too light of a description on how I felt. I literally walked around mine and Van's new apartment aimlessly in my pajamas for days... and that's when I got out of the bed. I cried a lot. I was humiliated. I was shocked. I was heart-broken.

After days of lectures from Van, my Dad, and my Mom on how I must get over this, I was re-reading a little bit of one of my favorite books, "The Alchemist" and I read this phrase, "People fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." That little phrase inspired me, because it's the kind of inspirational quote I love on a good day.. and it made me feel a little guilty that I was not behaving with the same attitude in my time of despair. It's easy to love these kind of quotes when everything is going our way, but what really shows the heart of someone is when they can live it despite disappointment.

So I decided to get over it. I got up and started searching the AANA website for various anesthesia schools. While doing this, I noticed on MSN or AOL a news article that I had read many months before from outside magazine. It was, "Top 10 Cities in America to Live for Outdoorsy Things to Do." I looked at the list and chose my top 3 off the list: Charleston, S.C., Salt Lake City, Utah, and Portland, Maine. And to my surprise they all 3 had anesthesia schools.

My first choice MUSC in South Carolina had just closed their deadline (only five short days... about the time I started my feeling sorry for myself), and although I tried, I was unable to convince them to let me send a late application. My second choice was Salt Lake City, Utah, but after looking at the school there, I wasn't very interested, and decided not to apply. My third choice was Portland, Maine, and lucky for me, I still had five days to complete my application for the University of New England's anesthesia school... which wasn't too hard because I had most of the stuff I needed from my first application from MTSA. What I lacked was reference letters. I was too embarrassed to call Dr. Miller and the nurse manager of the trauma unit again... so I got a reference from my closest resident friend (our chief resident in trauma, Jason Schrager), the assistant nurse manager on the trauma unit... none of the "big names" I had had before.

Two months later, I got an interview, a month or so after that, I got accepted, and 9 months later, we moved to Maine. It was the best decision of our married life... taking that leap of faith. It was mine and Van's first grand adventure, and it changed our lives for the better. One day, while living in Maine, I was thinking about how blessed we were to be having this experience of living in New England... and I actually felt scared at how close I had gotten to getting into MTSA. I had this, "oh my goodness! WHAT IF I had been accepted to MTSA?!... how horrible that I would be missing this experience!" And then it occurred to me that I was so very thankful for this unanswered prayer in my life.

God had known all along that there was something better.

The great thing about realizing this truth has been that on many (although not all - still working on that) of my post-anesthesia school disappointments, or moments of difficulty in life, I have been able to go back to this thought... knowing that I see with limited vision my life, and trusting that God sees the big picture... and His plan is far greater than my own. It's allowed me to have peace in the midst of turmoil, assurance, comfort, and confidence despite feeling shaky, overwhelmed and uncertain.

So thanking God this morning for the unanswered prayers that lead me to where I am today. May I continue to remember that great is His faithfulness, morning by morning.